Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
