I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
