Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
