I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
