Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
