All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
