I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
