Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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