its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
