Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
