Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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