Can i not drive my cunt home
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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