Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
