He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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