Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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