If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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