Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
