The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
