my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
