Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
