does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
