I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Mom said you looked used
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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