You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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