My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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