i think i have herpe
just one?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
