did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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