Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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