so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
