Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
