Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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