Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
