i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
