I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
