At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
