Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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