You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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