honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My life is pants optional.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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