The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
