Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
