It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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