If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
