Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
