He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
