I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
They have beer where we have blood.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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