Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
