You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
