I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
