There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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