You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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