Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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