I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
