I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
